Another detox announcement

After a trip to the Isle of Eigg last August, where I was lucky to experience some wholesome hermiting time in the soothing company of kin, I returned with the need to retreat. In the absence of the resources that would allow me a physical retreat with space held for me, the most sensible thing I could do was to at least retreat –albeit partially– from social media. 

In Eigg I had no wifi and only occasional phone signal, this allowed me to become very aware of the effect on my psyche of how social media shapes information and communication around an unending scroll of attention seeking images. 

Alongside the horrors of the world, we have the constant reports on astrological weather, the latest memes and tik tok trends with constant interludes of adverts for a vast variety of products selected for their particular and precise appeal. Add to that the mish mash of content we all create for each other, which tends to combine documentation of creative work, landmark moments, the smiles and joy, with our portrayals of hardship rendered by the format as forms of memorialising. Amidst it all is the endless flow of pop-psychology, relational discourse, neuro-science and DIY therapy, imparted by charismatic talking heads through reels or conveyed in the authoritative format of bold text edited in slides through a series of punchy cliff-hangers as connectors.

The widely abundant relational discourse is not only conveyed through an aesthetic that promotes ideas of authority, but it also proposes a form of aesthetics for being, living and relating. When I look straight at it with my pattern recognition goggles on, I see some alarming strands of the neoliberal matrix of values, all tied to the overarching maxim of consumption. A consumption of information, aspirations and aesthetics that includes things like attachment theory, nervous system regulation strategies, relational pathfinder resources, trauma healing, amongst many other accessible instructionals and scripts on how to set boundaries, have difficult conversations, generate intimacy, initiate sex, and a long etcetera. 

The discourse is vast and prolific, it grows new branches and sub-branches quickly, with their own aesthetics, standards and aspirational benchmarks. Queer relating has its own particular forms, as much as wholesome spiritual relating does, and of course, there are overlaps, strands of discourse cross-pollinate each other. 

The common thread I find through all these types of discourse, is the implicit aspiration to an ultimate functionality, in which we’ve contextualised and managed all our uncomfortable feelings to maximise our experience according to ideals that promote ease, comfort, productivity and of course, further consumption of experiences and relationships, according to the formats and aesthetics that best suit our affinity groups.

I feel there’s a trick at play, because dissociating less –which is what is implied by the promotion of hyper-awareness and functionality–  actually gives one less capacity for consumption and production of desire. With more presence, a distillation of desire takes place, as better connection with oneself allows desires that stem from coping mechanisms to be assessed and transformed, often replaced by desires that respond to a more rooted sense of self. But that’s not what’s happening though, I don’t think so.

More presence also means more capacity for depth and meaning, more sensitivity to the impact of the world on us, and less interest and ability to ignore that impact and pretend that everything is fine. In turn, we are more sensitive to the impact we have on the world and on others. There’s less willingness to minimise discomfort and enable ourselves and others. More presence can mean more grief and more capacity for conflict. But in recent times, as the bite sized digestible glossaries, resources, scripts and slides with relational guidelines proliferate, I’m also witnessing and enduring the most relational discard I have seen in my whole middle-aged life.

So what is actually happening? At moments I’m in cognitive dissonance. I see people setting boundaries but it is not always to find better relational footing, it often is to assess and judge whether relating is possible at all. I’m not saying that that’s not an appropriate task, what I’m saying is that just the need to set a boundary often speeds things up to the point of breakdown rather than of resolution, because a series of punchy slides in sans serif bold implied so. I’m watching the co-option of language around violence and abuse brought in to shut down any minimal form of discomfort around differences in information processing styles. I see the enabling of shame, self shame and the shaming of others for their perceived attachment wounds, insecurities, triggers or any struggle with emotional regulation.

All of these educational resources are not necessarily building relational resilience, but promoting fragility and discard. They are promoting relational frameworks without actually equipping people with the skills to navigate the real messiness of intimacy, vulnerability, closeness and bonding in practice. Is it not a trend that everyone can immediately identify and categorise behaviours according to attachment style and pass judgement on self and others? 

I feel we are watching the creation of frameworks within frameworks, merely through the consumption of discourse and not through the messy practice of actually relating. I’m observing judgements around relational anarchy not being performed “correctly” (WTF but for real). Even though all the discourse proposes to expand understanding, this expansion still seems to be at the service of getting rid of difficult human emotions, and the feelings are not going away are they? But the relationships get replaced.

I’ve had to take a leave of absence from social media due to how much of liberation discourse is getting co-opted for some sort of twisted notion of FreedomTM, for people to live their best lives while justifying selfish behaviour through cleverly worded arguments that fail to hold relational skill, cause and effect, impact and a practice of accountability that stems from interdependent care. I see performativity and virtue signalling. I see confusion between what it means to be in community vs what it means to share a party / hook-up scene. 

The platforms in which we share our lives are partial and flattening. And as much as they have us consuming the worst genocidal violence on a streamline right next to sexy party content, fashion and ever panic inducing astrology, relational psychology and neuroscience gets generalised, aestheticised and separated from the vibrant messiness of life and the life-altering experience of intimacy.

WTF. 

What are we up to? How can we relate when we lie so much to ourselves about who we really are, what we really feel and what lives inside of us. Social media has made me feel confused, gross, self-important and also victimised. Nothing ever matches the image or concept being sold to us. 

So I’m retreating for clarity, so I can respond responsibly. Mostly to myself dammit, without abandoning myself and what really is going on for me rather than how I think I should be feeling. I’m reclaiming my attention, which is no bargaining chip for validation. 

In my one and only life at this time and in this body I would like to be in acceptance of who I am, of the ways in which I transform and change, and of course, age, mature, grow. An unconditional acceptance of where I come from and how that informs my sensitivities and outlooks, also my values and priorities. Acceptance of my complexity in my smallness and in my greatness, in my capacity to heal and to harm, my immense love and my obtuse pettiness. Like a person. Like a flawed human person that’s figuring life out one messy panic attack at a time. Attempting grace, and desperately seeking to hold myself and to be held in the mess of it all.

I aspire to be responsible and responsive to my environment in a way that centres right relationship with sensitivity to impact, in imperfect ways that acknowledge my biases and the ongoing learning process of what it means to constantly live in the tension of unlearning and creating a new framework for living in the world. All the while acknowledging that everyone else is fucked up in their own unique and devastating ways, rendered magnificent in their capacity to hold and behold the world and to cause outrageous pain and destruction. 

I’m retreating to have my messy grief in peace, which in turn also makes me more available for joy, joy in its silly galore of innocence and capacity for communion, in its transformative and fleeting reality, which often is nothing like the representations of elation and legible fun, happiness or satisfaction we scroll through. 

I’m not intending to diss social media, I have bonded with absolutely wonderful humans through connections via instagram. But those relationships only became grounded IRL. I have been cynical about people’s announcements of leaving instagram, and felt salty about why they didn’t just quietly leave, and now I’m doing the same and understanding that saying it outloud is also a plea for connecting in a different way. I’m not fully leaving, I will of course be checking in, but I’m trying to get my dopamine elsewhere and reset my sphere of influence.